Tori Spelling

Imagine you’re Aaron Spelling, circa 1973. You hold in your arms your newborn child, pull back the blankets and shriek! “What the hell?” Are you the father of the first cross-species mammal? Half-human, half cocker-spaniel, the doe-eyed mammalian stares back at you.

You give the child a new nose, her own tv show, a set of boobs for chrissakes! And how does she repay you? She doesn’t! The least Tori could’ve done is stayed with her dad, pointed to her boobs and thanked him. Instead, she blames her mom for not calling her to tell her that her dad died.

I hope Aaron Spelling takes back her funbags and wills them to those less fortunate.

Without Aaron Spelling, what would Tori be? Just another washed-up, blond porn actress studying the physics of the first three-way anal.

Update: The Spelling family responds.

“We are deeply saddened that, during our time of loss and grief, we are forced to respond to the media frenzy caused by the mean-spirited and surprising comments made by Tori to the press, just two days after the passing of Aaron,” the statement, issued by Spelling family rep Kevin Sasaki, begins.

“As we try to honor his memory with love and respect, the sudden media frenzy she has created at this sensitive time is hurtful and very disturbing,” it continues. “Aaron’s legacy deserved pure and unadulterated tribute and recognition which, sadly, has been tainted.

“Everyone deals with grief in a different way, and since Tori chose not to be here at that time, we believe she is having a harder time dealing with that loss. We understand how difficult it might have been for her to be here, and, perhaps, more difficult for her after she arrived. Aaron loved both his children with all his heart, and he understood how hard it was for her.”