Colin Farrell

Colin Farrell may have all the charisma and sex appeal in the world, but according to Woody Allen’s former nanny, he has no idea what he’s doing in bed.

Angelique said: “He was enthusiastic and athletic. He was so keen to have me, he didn’t want to wear any protection. He just said, ‘It’ll be OK, it’ll be OK’. But for all his ardour, it was like he was reading from a text book, lurching from one position to another. He loved it when I climbed on top. He was cooing, ‘C’est bon, c’est bon’. It’s clearly the only French he knows.

The only advice I can give to Angelique is she better look into Vagisil as soon as possible. Having sex with Colin Farrell without a condom may be the dumbest move ever made. It’s almost as if half of Hollywood’s vaginas just entered her vagina. If statistics have taught me anything, there’s a good chance she would have been safer if she found a dirty needle on the ground and stabbed herself with it. She also goes on to say that even though they had sex 3 times, the whole thing only lasted 10 minutes and each time she had to fake an orgasm. That’s pretty sad because even I can go 15 minutes with the option of an additional fake orgasm. Depending on how much I pay.

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