Elisha Cuthbert

Elisha Cuthbert was extreme eye candy during the first season of 24. Then she moved up her hotness in The Girl Next Door where she played a porn star with a nice ass. Things were looking up for this girl and my penis was pleased.

Now what’s she doing? She stopped showing up on 24 and hasn’t had a decent movie in years. If she was on my team and we were playing 5 on 5 sexy basketball, I would have to bench her until she got a new haircut which wasn’t half woman half bowl. Then I would give her an inspirational speech, but she would just give me some dopey stare. I would realize that it was up to me so I’d rip off my shirt exposing my chiseled body while everybody sat in awe. I would then step in to clinch the win, receive the MVP award and tell children to “Be cool, stay in school”. Yep, that’s me. A selfless warrior admired by all.

Note: Elisha received Paris Hilton’s autobiography and Paris Hilton’s perfume from her co-star Paris Hilton for her 22nd birthday. I wonder what confusion mixed with a lot of disgust would look like.

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