Paris Hilton

Missing from today’s Billboard Awards is Paris Hilton who was tapped to host. The girl famous for being drilled in every which way on camera cited her moral integrity for not doing the show.

“It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers,” her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, said in a statement. “Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarrassing about people she knows.”

Everybody knows Paris doesn’t understand satire. If it wasn’t for her hard working publicist Elliot Mintz, she would be on the show like a clueless slut-bot mocking Britney Spears’ vagina and Nicole Richie’s praying mantis body. By the time she was finished, those two would be sitting there with their face aghast, Britney with Cheetos coming out her mouth and a puff of dust out of Nicole’s, while Paris punctuated her routine with a giggle, a wave and a mandatory crotch flash.