Keifer Sutherland

Today I bear great tidings. Today you shall go forth and make plans to mate your Barbies because Jack Bauer’s action figure is hitting shelves in August. Made by McFarlane toys, the doll will be sure to make that tool Ken jealous and hopefully drive him to suicide.

The action figure will showcase the character in a bulletproof vest with his gun raised and will sell for $10 – $12. In the future, the figures will have Bauer “pouncing, diving and running” and another Bauer seen kicking down a door will be released during the Christmas holidays.

However, this action figure was actually going to debut years ago had Kiefer not set fire to the only prototype one drunken night.

“They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they had sent me the doll for my approval… We took the doll out for a night to have some fun and we’d had some drinks. We sat it on the corner of the table. “We started torturing him around 11 o’clock at night, and, by two o’clock in the morning, we had set him on fire in the parking lot. “We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn’t burn, which I thought was pretty cool… and then I got a call the next day saying, ‘Did you like the doll?’ I said, ‘Yeah, it was great.’ And they said, ‘Well, OK, good, you gotta send it back to us because that was the prototype… It took that guy a year to make it.’ “I said, ‘Well, let me look for it, I think I left it in the trailer.’ This went on for about a week and then I had to just kinda come clean.”

This is all the evidence we need to determine the awesomeness of Jack Bauer. He’s a super secret agent dedicated to saving America who destroys a years worth of painstaking craftsmanship in one wild night of partying. God bless you Kiefer. Without you, those asshole toy makers would keep on thinking they’re so much better than us.