Paris Hilton

Something hard and wet hit Paris Hilton in the face while she was singing her debut track at Pure Nightclub and it wasn’t a penis. Hardy har har I’m clever. TMZ has a nice shot of a loyal fan chucking an ice cube at her face which prompted me to write this letter to the unknown assailant.

Dear ice cube thrower,
Nice arm. You are awesome. Marry me.

But wait, why stop at ice cubes. Rocks, thumbtacks and ground pepper are all viable options too. As they say, variety is the spice of life.