Tom Cruise

The leaders of the Church of Scientology have named Tom Cruise the Christ of Scientology. The delusional group of wackos believe Tom will be worshiped like Jesus for spreading the word of Scientology.

“Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

They say this like it means something. My stuffed animals told me I was Jesus too, but I don’t go around blabbing to everyone how they’re gonna go to Hell because they ate my egg salad sandwich. I just quietly spike their coffee with ketamine. What’s next? A spaceship? When 2050 comes around, I hope you remember that, when Scientology becomes the dominant religion and bans medicine, Tom Cruise died for your sins so you could too.