Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck lost his virginity again when he underwent colonic irrigation. Colonic irrigation is where they push warm water through your intestines to flush out all the, um, excrement.

I lost my virginity all over again that day, in so many ways. I don’t think I will be having it done again.

Looks like this wins for best Valentine’s Day story. I don’t think anyone’s ho-hum romantic candlelit dinner experience could top a colon cleaning. This could also make the perfect Valentine’s gift. But if you can’t afford it, get them the colonic irrigation alternative, an enema. Honestly, I’m puzzled as to why people don’t come to me for gift ideas more often.