R. Kelly removes his appendix

In hearty news not related to Anna Nicole Smith, R. Kelly had emergency appendix surgery. Supposedly, doctors were concerned for the safety of the community. When asked, the hospital said “We had to remove it before it started peeing on underage children.” R. Kelly was unavailable for comment, but through his publicist, issued a statement saying “All y’all need to mind your own bidness, lest you get slapped upside the head with 9 inches of limp appendix.”