Britney Spears

Promises rehab is the happiest place on Earth. Unverified rumors from staff at the Malibu rehab clinic say the manic Britney Spears scrawled “666” on her forehead and ran around the facility screaming “I am the Antichrist”. She then tried to hang herself with a bed sheet, but was found before she could do any damage. This has left relatives and the staff at Promises rehab dumbfounded as to their next course of action.

No way Britney is the Antichrist. Antichrists are little children named Damien or really sexy girls with perfect 10 bodies who don’t put out even though you spent $50 liquoring them up. Antichrists aren’t pudgy bald white chicks who swing umbrellas at SUVs and then scamper away like a frightened deer. If they were, then they need to keep this out of the Bible because Hell sounds like the place to be.