Ryan Seacrest. Jazzercise!

Can you guys smell the straightness wafting from Ryan Seacrest? The sawdust smell surrounds you like a dense fog, permeating every pore on your lesser non-Ryan Seacrest body. I don’t know how he does it, but if straightness was a style, Ryan would sashay his inglorious manhood all over your closeted pantie wearing body. And before he even reaches the end of the catwalk to flip his pink feathered boa, the audience would clap. God how they would clap. The corridors of American Idol couldn’t even contain the thunderous shrieks of “TOO MUCH MAN!”. Take a look at how Ryan effortlessly flexes and fluffs his butt as his buddy looks on. Not even the most finely crafted arrow could be straighter than that.

Bonus: Ryan Seacrest’s straightest moments.