Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson made her way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala like everybody else. The only difference was, she was an odd shade of brown and wore a dress that squashed her breasts like two giant stress balls. You can’t miss those things. They’re just…there. Meeting her would be totally awkward. We’ll be talking about her non-existent singing career and her inability to act and my hands would magically wander to her breasts. Even before that, my hands would be squeezing the air and I’d be shaking my head making that motorboat noise while I walked over to introduce myself. A lot more after the jump.

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