Don’t ask me why, but John Mayer was in New York on the 19th doing stand stand-up. He started off with a joke about being single and washing clothes. He moved on to one about Carrie Underwood’s Think Twice revenge song and how he probably couldn’t be that aggressive in his music. Mayer mock-sang, “I had her down on her knees, she was begging me please. Had a size 12 Jordan up her ovaries. Maybe next time she’ll think before she speaks.”

Tsk tsk, Mayer. A size 12 Jordan up her ovaries? I’m appalled. You might as well scribble a note for the police that says “I did it” and draw a map to your house on the back. Everyone knows a shoe of that nature is the equivalent of a fingerprint. At the very least you could blindfold and disorient her. Loud music while spinning her around in a chair usually does the trick. Also, remember, bleach is your friend.