Lindsay Lohan

As always with Star, take this with a grain of salt. The publication is reporting Lindsay Lohan attempted suicide in the weeks leading up to her DUI bust, screaming that she wanted to end it all.

“She grabbed a knife and started cutting at her writs,” the insider reveals. “A friend made her stop and went around looking for sharp objects. Lindsay ran into the bathroom with a bottle of Advil.”

Crying, “Leave me alone! I just want to die!” Lindsay locked herself in the bathroom and threatened to swallow the entire bottle, says the source. Finally, someone broke down the door and saved the distraught actress from herself!

Lindsay was also said to have a fight with her rumored lesbian lover Samantha Ronson who was pissed that the starlet wouldn’t publicly acknowledge their relationship. Which led up to the crash where, being the cool headed girl that she is, Lindsay started running around hysterical.

“Lindsay crawled out of her smashed car from the passenger side and ran over toward the house across the street,” says the onlooker. The security guard at the estate says Lindsay was “hysterical.” She started ringing the doorbell. Then, she and her friends left and Lindsay’s bodyguard arrived and drove the damaged Mercedes away.

This sounds ridiculous enough to be true because it’s Lindsay Lohan. There could be reports that Lindsay’s vagina regurgitated a baby hippo and I would just nod my head and say, “That sounds about right,” but the timeline doesn’t make sense. Star says this happened Thursday night and led into morning which is odd because everyone knows Lindsay crashed her car Saturday morning. Plus, the only apparent cuts are the ones from the accident like this one. So, I guess there goes that. Update: TMZ has confirmed that Lindsay and Ronson did have a fight before the crash.

The only thing we know for sure is that supermodels want to spend their lives with me, but can’t, for my heart belongs to another. Namely, the kids suffering from cancer that I visit and take care of every week. Chin up little guys, I’m here for you. Hey, while you brave souls have the time, why don’t we see who can stitch these Nike shoes the fastest. Winner gets their meds.