Paris Hilton

In an attempt to make the best out of a bad situation, Paris’ friends extol (or mock) the benefits of being incarcerated with other criminals who may or may not want to cause our socialite bodily harm. As delusional as Paris herself, friends of the dim one almost seem green with envy as they claim Paris will lose weight, gain street cred and look more beautiful coming out than going in. Kind of like Taco Bell.

“It’s going to make her more famous than ever. In jail, she’s going to get enviably skinny, and without any make-up or products her hair and skin will finally be able to breathe, so they’ll look amazing, too. Plus she’s going to get all that street cred.”

They fail to mention Paris could come out tattooed, not by choice. Possibly with a tear drop under her wonky eye. Her seemingly unmarked skin may also bear a shiv scar from when she refused to tongue that one inmate’s unkempt anus. Hint for next time: Pretend it’s a Dove chocolate bar covered with nuts.

On the other hand, writer David Patrick Columbia, billed as in with the Hiltons, has a different outlook. He says this may be the end of Paris Hilton. David, Paris is like a cockroach. Not even a nuclear blast would end her death grip on idiocy.

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