Nick Lachey was leaving the airport with his girlfriend when a paparazzo made a disparaging remark directed at Vanessa Minnillo in hopes of goading Nick into a hate filled rage. Unclear about the logistics? Disparaging remark + angry Nick + camera =$$$$. I’m not sure how much a Nick Lachey attack is worth these days so feel free to subtract or add another $.

Anyway, it worked, kind of. Nick went up to the photog to defend Vanessa’s honor and, according to the photo agency, grabbed the guy by his neck, pushed him back and whispered sweetly in his ear, “I’m going to fucking kill you if I ever see you again!” Promises, promises. He’ll never call.

A rep for Nick denied this and had his own version to tell. He says Nick merely put his hands on his shoulders and told the pap what he said was inappropriate.

While all this was going on, no one noticed me pounding out Vanessa in the blacked out SUV. The confrontation only lasted about a minute, but a minute is all I needed. I like to think of myself as “highly efficient” sex machine rather than that ugly moniker the Sheriff’s department came up with. How is “Premature Ejaculatist” even original?