Britney Spears

Hardpressed to find a real man, meaning, one that she doesn’t have to pay, Britney has taken to dating her bodyguard, Damon. Us Weekly reports,

On July 5, the pair hit a showing of the musical Wicked (they left after 45 minutes) and, later that evening, drinks at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Spears, 25, giggled and kissed her guy as he affectionately touched her face.

This is it, huh? She has to buy her boyfriends now. She doesn’t even try normal ways like MySpace or Craigslist. Just as well. I responded to one of those Craigslist postings. Apparently, “I’m a hot, blonde, 5’9” female, really horny and willing to do whatever you want. Email for pic.” stands for “I’m a 6’2” 205 lb. guy in a ski mask who’s going to rape you with the barrel of my gun if you don’t give me all your money.”

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