Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab for the third time. The troubled starlet will undergo an intense 30 day program at Cirque Lodge drug and alcohol rehab in Sundance. How intense is it?

The Lodge was named by Town & Country magazine to be one of the country’s top rehabs. For a price tag of $30,000 and up, the rehab offers privacy — with rooms for 16 residents at a time. Rooms boast spectacular views, Jacuzzi tubs and private fireplaces, and stars such as MARY-KATE OLSEN and DAVID HASSELHOFF have reportedly sought treatment there.

I once ate a burrito and subsequently spent 2 hours doubled over in pain on the toilet as my lower intestine tried to escape through my anus. That was intense. This, not so much. No, I take that back. Cirque Lodge does sound intense. There’s no mention of a masseuse. That’s downright barbaric.