Keeley Hazell is a topless model (read: cocktease) from the UK so I expect that when I see pictures of her, she be topless or about to be topless or have a big octopus stuck to her face. But, in these pictures she is neither of these things. She’s dancing around a pole. Maypole? This is not sexy. Therefore, I am not happy. When I wake up in the morning, I want to be sporting wood; not surfing through Wikipedia trying to figure out what kind of GD dance a clothed topless model is doing.