Paris Hilton will not ruin four lives

Paris Hilton has denied reports that she will adopt four blond babies in an attempt to form her own Aryan army. When People asked her about it, Paris responded,

“That’s retarded. No, I’m not.”

Paris went on to say she’d rather have her own children. Upon hearing this, a piercing shriek emanated from her uterus. That’s right. Her unborn baby is already trying to kill itself. Based on genetics alone, I expect it to fail spectacularly. It’s probably going to come out missing an eye because it was trying to stab its brain with its finger.