Lindsay Lohan has to whore herself out

Lindsay Lohan owes Pure Management Group “tens of thousands of dollars” after bailing on a 21st birthday bash she agreed to host at Pure Nightclub in Las Vegas so she could go to rehab. Now, unable to come up with the money to pay them back, Lindsay is contractually obligated to throw a New Year’s Eve party at LAX in Vegas (also owned by Pure Management). Us Magazine says Lindsay isn’t thrilled about the prospect of hosting, but she’s bound by a contract.

Whatever. Lindsay is lying. She loves to party. Even rehab was a party. She just doesn’t want people to see she’s still drinking and whoring around with guys. Lindsay should come talk to me. I’d give her some great advice. I’d tell her that women need breast exams every year and that she’s in luck because this badge I made out of construction paper says I’m a certified booby inspector. What? Oh, I didn’t mean I was going to give her advice on her addiction problems. But, I guess if I were, I’d tell her to stop, just, stop. Then I’d hit her on the nose with a rolled up magazine.