Natalie Portman at Columbia

It’s a sad day for men everywhere as Natalie Portman has said that she won’t be doing any more nude scenes in the future. Natalie regrets going nude for Hotel Chevalier because it felt awkward. I felt awkward too. Popping a boner in the public library isn’t socially acceptable or so says that policeman.

She said: “I’m really sorry I didn’t listen to my intuition. From now on, I’m going to trust my gut more. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is say no.”

Whatever. Natalie was barely nude in that anyway. You could see her ass. Whoop-dee-doo. Trust me when I say I wasn’t masturbating as hard as I could’ve been. I was going 50%. Maybe 65%. At most. Don’t believe me? Judge for yourself. Does my penis look like it has third degree burns? Hey, where are you going?