Tom Cruise extortionist committed “suicide”

David Hans Schmidt, best known for brokering deals “like the contents of Paris Hilton’s storage locker, topless photos of rescued U.S. Army POW Pfc. Jessica Lynch, nude photos of Jamie Foxx and a score of videos featuring the sexcapades of stars like Colin Farrell, Tonya Harding (the “wedding night” tape), Divine Brown and Dustin “Screech” Diamond, among others,” was found dead in his home today while under house arrest. David, aka The Sultan of Sleaze, plead guilty to attempting to extort $1 million from Tom Cruise for photos taken during his 2006 wedding to Katie Holmes and faced up to two years in federal prison. According to Us Weekly,

Schmidt, known as the Sultan of Sleaze, was found dead in his Phoenix townhouse on Friday afternoon after police noticed that a tracker placed on him had not moved and he had not checked in with them.

Suicide, huh? Schmidt messed with the wrong guy. Tom Cruise will send his Scientology hitmen after you if you even look at him funny. One time I walked by the Scientology center and yelled, “Tom Cruise sucks,” and they started chasing me. Good thing I had a frisbee. I threw it and told them their leader was coming to pick them up in his flying saucer. Then I hit them with a shovel while they were laughing at me.