Nicole and Joel

Joel Madden has already begun musically educating his unborn child in hopes that it will some day be just like daddy. Douchey. Joel says he’s been playing it new stuff, old stuff, classical stuff and movie soundtracks. Meanwhile, brother Benji is psyched to become an uncle.

“I’m going to teach [the baby] about life,” he said. And sports. “I could coach the tee-ball team! Or teach them in soccer, whatever they want to do,” he said.

What if the baby comes and all it wants to do is punch the Madden brothers in the balls? That’s the first thing that would pop into my mind after I open my eyes and realize I was created from the fusion of Nicole’s egg and Joel’s sperm. I don’t think these two imbeciles could raise a chia pet much less a living being. I’m 98% sure the first thing Nicole says when the baby is born is, “Ew. Why is it so fat?,” and then she’ll stick her finger down its throat.