Jessica Alba

26-year-old Jessica Alba’s engagement to 29-year-old Cash Warren has been confirmed. The recently impregnated actress was spotted wearing a diamond ring (above) a couple of days ago. Brad Cafarelli, Jessica’s publicist, said succinctly,

“I can confirm that they are engaged.”

I understand the engagement, but why get someone as sexy as Jessica Alba pregnant in her prime? She’ll start eating a lot, her stomach will grow, she’ll get fat and in 9 months a screaming banshee you have to spend half your income on will pop out. Did I just describe hell for a 20-something?

Cash Warren is an ass. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, buddy. I want to give you something special, but I haven’t forged a bat hard enough or spiky enough to hit you in the balls with yet.