Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba’s rep confirms that she’s pregnant with Cash Warren’s child. The two met while working on The Fantastic Four where Cash was a director’s assistant and Jessica Alba played one of the lead roles. Jessica’s rep says,

“I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer,”

When a director’s assistant can impregnate one of the most attractive women in the world, it gives me hope and at the same time, takes it away. Well played, you dick. I’m both in awe of your sorcery and concerned that an 800 lb. piano might make its way out of a tall building and onto your head. Hopefully, by the time that happens there’s still time to abort this fetus.

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