Kiefer Sutherland

After serving a full 48 days in Glendale jail for violating probation and a second DUI, Kiefer Sutherland was released Monday morning. The only people on his visitor request list during his stay was his attorney and his doctor.

“Throughout his stay, he never griped, never complained,” Balian previously said. “He never wanted preferential treatment from the get go, and we respect him for that.”

That’s where Kiefer went wrong. You’re a big star. You need to demand things once you’re in jail. Like, porterhouse steaks three times a week, a personal HDTV and an XBOX. The inmates might become a little jealous and want to “take advantage” of you to show dominance, but that’s easy to put a stop to. Just use this simple technique. When two 230 lb. inmates pin you against your cell wall and are about to “become intimate” with you, give them a face palm and go, “Errrr,” mimicking the sound of a car coming to a screeching halt thereby visually and audibly explaining to them that what they think is about to happen, will most definitely not. Works like a charm.