Shocking news. After more than a year of wedded bliss, Gary Coleman has not yet consummated his marriage to his wife/moving target, 22-year-old Shannon Price. In an interview with The Insider, a forlorn Gary says “It will happen when it will happen” and continues that, much to his disappointment, “No one will make it happen anytime sooner.”

Notice Gary said “no one” can force it. He didn’t say “nothing” can force it. So I’ll assume he knows a knife works pretty well in these types of situations. But before any of you get all uppity, let me clarify. I’m saying an angry, knife wielding little person like Gary Coleman would be so adorably pathetic that no woman can resist giving him pity sex. There probably won’t be any anal though. Sorry Gary.