Jennifer Lopez

The North Shore University Hospital on Long Island is all over Jennifer Lopez and her twins. They’ve given her a private room furnished with a brown leather couch which no one is allowed in and has been sitting unused for two weeks.

God, Jennifer thinks she’s the second coming and everyone wants to see her babies. She should get a clue. Half the babies’ chromosomes are Marc Anthony’s. They’re going to come out looking like zombies with huge asses. If I were the hospital, I’d tell Jennifer that, “Yea, I’ve secured a room specially for her.” It’ll be the janitor’s closet with “Janitor’s closet” crossed out and “Jennifer’s room” written next to it. I’d also give her a customized bassinet for her babies. Shh, don’t tell her it’s really a dumpster.