Jennifer Lopez is rich and you’re not

Jennifer Lopez used to claim she was Jenny from the block. That changed when her disposable income tripled that of the average salary. Now she’s known as Jennifer “I can set homeless people on fire whenever I want” Lopez. Or J.Lo for short. You can tell how filthy rich she is by the expensive stuff she bought her newborn twins.

• Cashmere cardigan, hat and bootie pants from Baby Cz: $279
• Matching pink set: $279
• A set of Plain Mary’s Hunk and Babe onesies: $169
• Chelsea Sleigh cribs: $1,390
• Mom and Dad relax in Glam Gliders: $1,420 each
• Clara changing table: $1780
• Italian leather and snake skin trim Mia Bossi diaper bag: $1250

Babies don’t need this. They spend hours playing around in a box. They get confused when you detach their nose. You put your hands over your eyes and they think you’ve disappeared. The only thing they’re going to do with a cashmere cardigan is puke on it. They’re not going to think, “Oh, how wonderful. The cashmere soaks up my vomit quite nicely.” They’re just gonna stare at it, giggle and probably puke on it again. And these new age designer cribs are useless to keep babies in check. I long for the time you could wrap a crib in razor wire to keep a baby from climbing out without Social Services getting all up in your business. What are they questioning me for anyway? It’s not even my baby.