Paris Hilton

In news that will neither shock nor surprise you, everyone in the movie industry hates Paris Hilton. Her most recent film, The Hottie and the Nottie, earned a 1.1 rating and took first place on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list. The industry’s distaste for Paris has led them to even ban her from the Oscars. A wonderfully charming source said,

“She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars. She’s desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives.”

Another source said, “She’s tempted to go to the parties afterwards but might wear her trademark wig to save her dignity.”

Hot, salty tears? Way to relish in someone’s misery. I give you props. I also like how they think Paris can save her dignity by wearing a wig. The only way Paris can save her dignity is to turn back time and not put that penis in her mouth. Doing anything else is an exercise in futility.