Scarlett Natalie

Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman both appear on the cover of W magazine. For some inexplicable reason, they’re also posing with a chihuahua. Uh, ok. Anyway, Scarlett clarifies her stance on monogamy.

“I’ve been battered for saying that I don’t believe humans are monogamous by nature. The response was, like, ‘What a ho-bag!’ I didn’t mean that I don’t practice monogamy in my own life–of course I do! I’m not going to be in some tarty relationship. But I stick by what I said. I remember another time, I said I get tested for AIDS twice a year, and again that got spun as me being promiscuous. But I was single at the time, and I think it’s important to do that!”

Battered? Tarty? Scarlett’s words make me hungry. But, back on point. Who said being a ho-bag is a bad thing? I find it very charming. In fact, my next lover will be a ho-bag. Get it? Because my next lover will be Scarlett Johansson.

Natalie Portman also talks about monogamy.

“I’m into monogamy. But I’m not really into marriage right now. I sort of hate the legal aspect of it. What does the state have to do with it? Why are they making rules that say my lover can stay in the United States if they’re foreign or share my health care benefits because I’m straight–but if you’re gay, you can’t have that?”

Fascinating. You know what I don’t get? Why aren’t Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson naked in my bed? It seems only logical. This conclusion is based on a drawing I did of Natalie and Scarlett locking lips and saying, “I want your sexy body,” in a heart shaped speech bubble above their heads. Well, what are you two waiting for? If you want it, come and get it.