Audrina Patridge of The Hills went to a tattoo parlor in LA and inked a grotesquely long Chinese phrase on her arm. I think it translates to, “I fuck on the first date.” Actually, my friend tells me it means “rice cooked with lard (pig oil)” which they say is delicious. Some believe this is another prank for Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction. And they’re totally right. Me? I believe in unicorns. Pretty unicorns with rainbow manes. Tee-hee.