10,000 B.C.

In the spirit of Maxim magazine giving both the Black Crowes and Nas’ new albums 2 1/2 stars after only listening to one song, I thought it would be appropriate to predict the weekend box office and star ratings of this week’s new releases based on the trailer.

Name: The Bank Job
Rating/Position: 2 1/2 stars, Opens at #2
Synopsis: A car dealer with a dodgy past and new family, Terry has always avoided major-league scams. But when Martine, a beautiful model from his old neighborhood, offers him a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London’s Baker Street, Terry recognizes the opportunity of a lifetime. Martine targets a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. But Terry and his crew don’t realize the boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets – secrets that will thrust them into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal that spans London’s criminal underworld, the highest echelons of the British government, and the Royal Family itself. [Trailer]
Reason: Jason Stathman steals things. Shoots guns. Nudity possible. A recipe for success!

Name: 10,000 B.C.
Rating/Position: 2 stars, Opens at #1
Synopsis: A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter’s journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe. [Trailer]
Reason: Big f’n Woolly Mammoths.

Name: College Road Trip
Rating/Position: 1  1/2 stars. Opens at #4
Synopsis: When an overachieving high school student decides to travel around the country to choose the perfect college, her overprotective cop father also decides to accompany her in order to keep her on the straight and narrow. [Trailer]
Reason: Martin Lawrence doing stupid Martin Lawrence things. Plus, this thing looks stupid.

Name: CJ7
Rating/Position: 2 1/2 stars. Opens at #7
Synopsis: A poor Chinese laborer learns important lessons after his son gets a strange new toy. [Trailer]
Reason: Stephen Chow is gold. Except, I have no idea what’s going on in this movie.

Name: Snow Angels
Rating/Position: 3 stars, Opens at #5
Synopsis: A drama that interweaves the life of a teenager, with his old baby sitter, her estranged husband, and their daughter. [Trailer]
Reason: Kate Beckinsale is hot. I want to do her.