Carson Daly

You’re not going to believe this, but 34-year-old Carson Daly hasn’t had much luck with Hollywood starlets as of late. Whereas a few years ago he was linked to Tara Reid and Jennifer Love Hewitt, he’s now linked to his right hand that he drew lips on with lipstick. For that reason, he’s taking his ball and going home, swearing off dating in Hollywood. He told PEOPLE:

“I’m single. “I haven’t had very much luck with the Hollywood starlets so, I’ve tried to stay away from [them].”

And why should Carson Daly have any luck? Who the fuck is he? This is like your dad complaining to you that he has a hard time tapping Lindsay’s ass. Plus, Carson doesn’t have the greatest of track records. The two women he’s been linked to used to be the talk of the town, but have since gone downhill. Tara Reid’s boobs and stomach look like they were done by an epileptic in the middle of a seizure and Jennifer Love Hewitt thinks her expanding hips is God’s way of telling her she needs more cheeseburgers. Dating Carson is essentially the touch of death.