Heidi Montag

A sadomasochistic New York Times critic reviewed the new season of The Hills premiering tonight, labeling Heidi Montag a feminist hero.

Her career-mindedness sets their relationship off course. Heidi identifies the problem with no name: a boyfriend who sits around an apartment decorated to look like an ’80s video arcade while trying to deny Heidi a real wedding with the glory of registering. Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do.”

The full-on joyous Oprah-fication of Heidi culminates with the show’s return and gives “The Hills” a new momentum. After taking a break from Spencer at her parents’ modest house in Crested Butte, Colo., Heidi returns to Los Angeles to kick him out and chastises him for taking her flat-screen TV with him. How proud Gloria Allred would be.

What the hell? Half of this review made no sense to me. Mostly because my reading comprehension is on par with that of a six year old’s. We’re talking about Heidi Montag the airhead who models herself after a blow-up doll, correct? I’ve always had the impression Heidi’s idea of self-assertion was asking Spencer to “use a condom” or telling him “not in my hair.” Nevertheless, glad to see Heidi finally standing up for herself and not falling prey to Spencer’s mind games. Then again, it’s not really that impressive. If you could see inside Spencer’s head, you’d see a little kid trying to draw a castle on an Etch-a-Sketch, but then giving up, putting on some footy pj’s and taking a nap.