Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron recently told In Touch that she’s ready to spend nine months waddling around on swollen feet and feeding a parasitic entity festering inside her womb.

“I’ve been thinking about becoming a mom for a couple of years now,” the 32-year-old actress says. “My biological clock is ticking, but it hasn’t gone off yet. I couldn’t hope for my career to be going any better, and I have found the great love of my life in my relationship, so I think we’re ready to start having kids running around the house. I’m ready to take on the responsibility of motherhood.” Charlize says Stuart Townsend is “the man I want to share parenthood with.”

This is depressing. The only good thing about pregnancy are the boobs. I could do without the weight gain and resulting birth. What are kids good for anyway. The only thing I’d know what to do with one is to strap a harness on them and force them to pull me around in a sleigh. Even then, it’ll only be 10 feet until they collapse in exhaustion; gasping for air. Not to mention the speech from child protection services. Blah blah blah, unfit parent, blah blah blah, can’t whip them.