Beyonce might retire

Beyonce’s cousin, Angelica Knowles, told the New York Daily News that Beyonce plans on retiring to become a talent scout for Jay-Z’s new Carter Music Group label. In fact, she may have already started.

Beyonce’s first protege is rumored to be an R&B artist named Chelsea Thomas. Her reps couldn’t be reached for comment.

This is good for Jay-Z because if he lets Beyonce keep performing, people may eventually start seeing her repeatedly tap the microphone in multiple short bursts. Fans will think she’s checking her mic or she’s gone crazy, but it’s actually Morse code for “Jay-Z kidnapped family. Forced to marry. Send help. So ugly.”