One time I thought I saw Fergie on the beach in a two-piece. “Don’t be a hero,” I warned myself. Alas, I knew I was the only one who could help. As I quietly and steadily inched closer to her like a cat stalking its prey, I realized, to my relief, it was just a really ugly dude so I put down the stake I was about to drive through her heart and returned to sipping my piña colada as handmaidens massaged my feet.
