Jessica Simpson

A while ago, Jessica Simpson was admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection. Star is now reporting it was much more serious than that. They say she was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection. All of which were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol.”

“She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she’s very conscientious about the calories,” says a source. “But Tony and his buddies really party hard, and I think they expect Jessica to keep up with them. But she is like a third of their weight and just can’t hold as much as they can.”

Sober girls complain a lot. “Can we leave now?” “I don’t want to touch it!” “Can you not pee on my face?” Drunk girls are fun. They dance on tables and show everyone their tits and when you try to stick it in their butt, they’re pretty agreeable. My point is if you’re a sober girl, stay home. I don’t want to hear how you got a promotion without having to sleep with your boss. That’s boring and does nothing for my penis.