Katie Holmes

No longer happy living under Tom Cruise’s dainty fist, Katie Holmes, having been offered a role on Broadway, has decided to move to New York as part of a trial separation. Tom Cruise will allow it. On one condition. She can’t take Suri with her. Star writes,

“She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away,” an insider tells Star. “There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie – or Suri – out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her.”

Tom Cruise is a menacing five feet tall. Him giving orders must be hilarious. That’s probably the reason Katie wants out. He keeps kicking her shins when she laughs at him. That and she’s tired of the revolving door of men from Tom’s bedroom. Tom says they’re his advisers, but the only thing they seem to advise him on is where to stick his fist-shaped dildo. (Hint: It’s not in the air ala Rage Against the Machine)