Ashlee Simpson

Joe Simpson has already begun shopping around Ashlee Simpson’s baby photos. Papa Joe has been asking weeklies to spend $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. Of course, the photos will be taken by Joe so he can scam more money out of his daughters. Included in the deal will be an interview and photos of the baby. The bad news for Joe is magazines don’t care about Ashlee.

One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch “$60,000 maybe – but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album [‘Bittersweet World’] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee’s lucky she got pregnant, frankly.”

Joe should try the hard sell. Rip out Ashlee’s unborn fetus, put it in a baby blue bassinet and show the weeklies how beautiful it will be. If that doesn’t work, jam some sparklers in its malleable, undeveloped head and slingshot it over the conference room desk into the lap of one of the editors while blasting the National Anthem on a boom box. Then politely inform them they’re all a bunch of terrorists if they don’t think this is worth it. Trust me, they’ll empty their pockets faster than Ashlee’s going to empty her vagina in nine months. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, but… leave me alone.