In a bid to stay relevant and interesting, Madonna talks to Elle Magazine about her forthcoming album and other stuff no one cares about. She lets us know her marriage is fine, her kids are doing great, she’ll never be a fatass and, grossest of all, sex with Guy Ritchie is amazing.

And in the bittersweet love song, “Incredible,” the 49-year-old croons, “sex with you is incredible.” Is that also a tribute to her husband-of-seven-years? “Absolutely,” she tells the magazine. “Sex with Guy is incredible … And surprise, surprise, it’s his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it’s not his favorite song, but it’s definitely his favorite line.”

Having sex with Madonna is incredible. Incredibly scary. I can just imagine her screaming orders to Guy Ritchie to go into a sexual position that only acrobats and power-lifters could realistically do. As he desperately tries not to anger Madonna, he fumbles around and finally buckles under the pressure. Madonna then loses all the momentum she’s built up and roars at him while at the same time turning slightly green. In a fit of rage, she’ll knock him out for being so incompetent. Then she’ll manhandle his limp, lifeless body into the position she wants and finally orgasm. Her moans of pleasure will only to be masked by the breaking of Guy’s bones as she squeezes his body in excitement. Wow. Guy must be living the dream.