Mariah Carey

Last week there was confusion over whether or not Mariah Carey actually married Nick Cannon in a private wedding in the Bahamas. Well, according to PEOPLE, they did. Just in case you don’t believe them., they even plaster Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s “secret wedding” photos in their next issue.

“We really do feel we are soulmates,” Carey tells PEOPLE, following their sunset ceremony at the pop star’s Bahamian estate. “I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me.”

Oh yea? Oh yea?! Well, I… I had a secret wedding too. It was amazing. I had it in my backyard where half the grass is dead. My cardboard cutout of Jessica Alba was the most beautiful bride you ever saw. and when I kissed her, I got a paper cut on my tongue. See. That’s pretty interesting, right? Why doesn’t PEOPLE cover my nuptials?