Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren secretly married Monday. The two wed in a courthouse ceremony without extravagances or friends or family. How antisocial.

They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Cash Warren impregnated Jessica Alba and now he’s married to her. What is this sorcery? Am I living in another dimension? Is down up and left right? This makes no sense at all. This is like if you took the world’s ugliest dog and beat it with a stick and it still tricks Jessica Alba into having sex with it, but this is actually much worse because you can’t run over Cash Warren like you could a dog. I mean, without people asking quesitons.