Jude Law

Jude Law was spotted in the VIP area of 195 Nightclub in Essex attempting to dislodge a piece of steak which had become stuck in Kimberly Stewart’s mouth. With his tongue. Kimberly thanked him kindly by massaging his crotch. Photos were snapped, bodyguards were summoned, cameras were confiscated and pictures were deleted. Although, not well enough because The Sun recovered them.

“We couldn’t believe it when we saw Kimberly Stewart snogging the face off Jude Law. They were really going at it and barely came up for air.

“He’s the first big name we have ever seen in there. So myself and my friends walked over and asked if we could have our photo taken with them. But they said no, turned back to face each other again then carried on kissing.

“Two bodyguards then came over to us and snatched the camera out of my friend’s hand because they had seen us taking pictures.

“They passed the camera to Jude, who then looked through our photos.

“The bodyguard later gave the camera back to us and, to our disappointment, they had deleted our pictures of Jude and Kimberly.”

If Rod Stewart asks, please inform him that his daughter’s tonsils need not be removed. Everything is A-OK in there. Oh and also that Kimberly’s vagina was smashed with prejudice. F U Rod Stewart — Signed, Jude Law.