Lindsay Lohan

Two weeks ago, a Columbia University student by the name of Maria “Masha” Markova claimed Lindsay Lohan stole her $11,000 mink coat. Masha said she put the coat down at a party next to Lindsay and when she got back she was gone. Later, she discovered Lindsay was wearing it while browsing through gossip rags. After calling the club to complain, the coat ominously made its way back to her.

Still, Masha knows an opportunity when she sees one and is now filing suit against Lindsay. She originally wanted $10,000 for what can be described as a rental fee, but now she’s seeking much more in punitive damages. According to the lawsuit, the plaintiff, Masha, has been injured by the defendant’s, Lindsay’s, actions. The Post writes:

We are seeking punitive damages, which can be substantial, especially if it turns out that the underlying facts amount to a crime, even though we’re seeking a civil, not criminal remedy,” said Markova’s lawyer, Merrill Cohen.

The lawsuit implied that Lohan looked good in the mink coat and benefited from paparazzi snapping off pictures of her in the fur – all while Markova nervously believed the family gift was lost.

“Throughout this time, defendant used plaintiff’s blond mink coat for her own benefit and deprived plaintiff of her rightful possession and use of her property,” the lawsuit claims.

Lindsay should pay for this, but screw you Masha. It’s not like Lindsay raped your dog. She took a mink coat and gave it back, albeit with some coercing. Just go up to Lindsay and punch her in the face a few times. Maybe kick her in the ovaries. Suing over this is retarded. If this ever makes it to court, I hope Markova loses and her punishment for filing this retarded suit is to be thrown from a car going 50 mph into a cactus farm.