Paris Hilton wants to procreate

Paris Hilton wants children. Never have so few words sent such shivers down my spine. What’s even more terrifying is Paris believes she’ll be a fantastic mother because she has so many pets. At last count, she had a ferret, a chinchilla a kinkajou and more than a dozen dogs.

She says, “I have lots of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children.” The 27-year-old is currently linked to Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden, the twin brother of Richie’s partner Joel.

Paris Hilton is retarded so I’m not exaggerating when I say she might kill the baby. When it starts crying, the first thing Paris will do is look for the “off” switch. Failing to find it, she’ll try to take the batteries out. But, OMG, there isn’t a battery compartment. This must be, like, one of those advanced Japanese babies. So she’ll end up shaking it because obviously it’s broken and that’s what dumb people do to things they think are broken. That’s when she’ll discover babies’ brains don’t like being violently thrashed around inside their skull.