Ashlee Simpson now with 50% more douche: Ashlee Simpson is changing her last name to Wentz, a surname synonymous with pansy, frail, talentless and annoying. So, it’s perfect. Ashlee explains, “I think that that’s something that a woman should do when they’re marrying a man. It’s a tradition that I think is a great tradition.” Also a tradition: throwing genetically inferior babies into a gulch. But we don’t do that anymore. That’s old school. We have dumpsters now.

Heidi and Spencer are marrying: Heidi Montag exclusively reveals to Us Magazine, again, that she will marry her longtime exploitative boyfriend, citing he has reformed. How? “Heidi read me biblical passages like ‘Honor thy wife,'” says Pratt. That was easy, I guess. Here’s another one. “Throw thyself in front of a bus, asshat.” I’m 99% sure it’s in there.