Usher

Rumors have spread that Usher is eager to sell pictures of his newborn son, Usher Raymond V, to the highest bidder. Not true, he tells Page Six.

“In no way would I ever pimp out my child for money.” “I am livid that people talk about my child,” Usher told us. In fact, he has posed – for free – with his son for an “incredible” Father’s Day cover for Essence magazine.

“What makes you a man more than being a father to your child? I recognize I gave anonymity away when I became an artist, but to have people try to paint a horrible picture of what’s so beautiful – it’s obvious someone is trying to stop something so beautiful.”

Whatever. Usher is crazy. If I had a baby, I’d give it a dumb name like Noid (after the Domino’s Pizza mascot). Then I’d put an eye patch over one of their eyes and shop pictures of them around to tabloids for millions claiming this to be a real cyclops. I’ll tell them that even though this baby is pretty much useless to society and logically, should be thrown into a bottomless pit, I still love them anyway. People will eat it up. In two weeks after I deposit all my checks into an offshore bank account, I’ll drop the baby off at my neighbor’s door and move to the Bahamas. Oh and I’ll probably take the eye patch with me because that shit cost $1.50 at Wal-Mart.

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